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Congratulations to Sam AllredInside Public Accounting

Sam has once again been named to the IPA's most recommended consultant list for 2013.

 

Laugh Lines

 

The Garden

An older gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son Vincent who used to help him was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son, describing his predicament. 

Dear Vincent, I am sad to say I will not be able to bring you fresh tomatoes this year.   I’m just getting too old to do all that digging and won’t be able to plant my garden this year.  I know if you were here you would be able to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.  Love Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa.  Don’t dig up that garden.  That’s where the bodies are buried.  Love, Vinnie.

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.  The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa.  Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love, Vinnie.

 

Dead Crows

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impact.

During the detailed analysis, however, they noted that various colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing this paint and the injuries the birds sustained, they were able to determine that 98% of the birds were killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah," not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

Bell Ringer

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job.

But one Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.

Asked to identify the body at the coroners department, the priest sadly shook his head. "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

 

Walking into a Bar

Q: What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?

A: Is this a joke?

 

Wisdom

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

 

Heaven or Hell

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."

"I don't know!" she flounders.

"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."

"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."

She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.

The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.

Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.

After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.

After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.

At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.

The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.

"I've decided on hell," she announces.

"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.

Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.

"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.

"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."

 

Defective Boomerang

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick.

 

Drug Testing

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

 

How Do You Pronouce That?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

 

Lucky Driver

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

Severe Weather

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the northeast.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is well below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59.

Her husband has done nothing but stare through the kitchen window.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in!

 

A Nice Present

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

 

Speeding Ticket

An officer pulls over a woman going 65 in a 40. He approaches the window, "Ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but it was revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie.

A few minutes later, the Chief of Police pulls up and walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

"Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car but it's completely empty.

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

 

The Joy of Giving

A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Christmas. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one.

As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned. “What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?”

 

Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary but to no effect.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, and said, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

 

Don't You Know His Name?

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse. He hitched the horse up to the car and yelled,

"Pull, Nellie, pull!" The horse didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Stil the horse didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

 

I'm a Nine!

A guy was meeting a friend in a pub, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.”

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy and told him that the girls in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

“Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German."

 

Where Were You?

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”

“Thank you very much, sir.”

 

Where Is She Now?

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo)? Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is also a nurse and currently works at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

While she excels at her job, they finally decided that they couldn't permit her to answer the phone any longer. It caused too much confusion when she answers the phone and says, "Picabo, I.C.U."

 

The End Is Nigh!

The pastor of the local Protestant church and priest from the Catholic church across the road are seen together one day pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

The End Is Nigh!
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before It's Too Late!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, the priest says, "That's the third one this morning."

"Yes," replies the minister. After some thought he adds, "Do you think maybe the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out and About

Sam, Rusty and Mark
Rusty Pickens, Mark DuNucci and Sam Allred playing at Bountiful Ridge
 
2012 Governor's Cup Photo
The 2012 Governor's Cup Team
 
Sam & Tim at the Governor's Cup
 
The 2011 Governor's Cup Team
 
 
Fish Stories
Tim Bartz
Tim Bartz with a big brown he "hunted" during a recent trip to New Zealand
 
Rick Reimann
Rick Reimann from UAN member firm Lenhart, Mason & Associates, LLC with a lovely January rainbow.
 
Tim Bartz

Tim Bartz with a 20" Whitefish on the Missouri River

 
Brooks Gallagher
Brooks Gallagher from Dixon Hughes Goodman with a lovely brown trout he caught on the Missouri River
 
Gordon Krater
Gordon Krater with a rainbow
 
Chris Schmidt
Christ Schmidt with a rainbow.
 
Ted Dickman with cutthroat
Ted Dickman with a lovely cutthroat
 
 
Rick Reimann
Rick Reimann of member firm Lenhart, Mason & Associates, LLC with his prize fish
 
Greg Brown
Greg Brown (from member firm Sensiba San Filippo, LLP) displays a beautiful wild rainbow he landed this last May on the Pit River.
 
Tim Bartz
Tim Bartz poses with the fish he caught on his birthday
 
Bryan Whittaker with a Brownie
Bryan Whittaker with the brownie he caught fishing with Sam Allred and Tim Bartz
 
Jack Hinsche and Sam Allred on the Yellowstone River
Jack Hinsche and Sam Allred enjoying the fishing on the Yellowstone River (photo by Scott Hinsche)
 
Tim Janiak
Tim Janiak with a nice brown trout taken on the Wind River in May 2009
 
Tim Bartz
Tim Bartz with a 25” brown trout caught on the Wind River in Wyoming
 
Johnnie James
Johnnie James from McGladrey & Pullen displays his catch